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Half Pint Brawler - The Third Conquest

Posted in In My Head by Jack at 04:36, Jun 22 2010

Tonight?s show starts with the most obvious of all intros for a wrestling show, as we witness the fellas doing what could only be described as ?human bowling?. Sadly for all the fans of the HPB, nobody hits a strike, still, the ?artist currently known as Turtle?, takes a hard hit of a (bowling) ball to the face, so we can't possibly say that our time was lost. After this wonderful (and logical ?cold opening? of sorts) start, we are headed headed at bullet speed to the show's intro. Today we are in N.O, Louisiana (FAST!) which (followed by a sweet dance by Puppet to the sound of a street performer banging on buckets due to the fact that this ?job? doesn't allow him to pony up for a real drumkit) leads us into the context of what this trip meaning is all about, which leads into drama. Yes, drama ensues! T.O. (a man that Kato has some back story with) will be returning to the HBP. ?Not in my room he ain't? - responds Kato to Puppet's announcement that T.O. Is about to appear in the hotel room that the guys are allocated at. It appears that, a couple of years ago, T.O. tried to hit on Kato's ?old lady? (whore) at an HPB's show. A rumble almost ensued: ?You are selfish? - Kato shouted at T.O. during that incident - ?You think you are all that, because you are 3'8''!?. said Kato, undervaluing T.O.'s ego. Fortunately, it was all broke up after Puppet told Kato that this wasn't worth it?. The drama reaches a fever pitch as T.O. enters the hotel room. ?I don't want to step on anybody's toes? said T.O. who also wasn't also considering the option of kissing ?anybody's ass?. After this ensues, the gang decides to stroll around in New Orleans to relieve the obvious stress amongst the group and, what could relieve the stress more then seeing Turtle all painted up like one of those human statues that we see in N.O.? N.O.thing at all! Jackass-like pranks are pulled by Turtle such as: ?waiting still, and scaring the bystanders while with his human statue paint on?, ?waiting still, and scaring the bystanders while with his human statue paint on? and ?waiting still, and scaring the bystanders while with his human statue paint on?. As the afternoon turns into night, Puppet the cunning chairman of HPB, decides that they should try something that no other rasslin' promotion tried before: make a live action midget wrestling event right in the middle of Bourbon Street. Cunning indeed. As a way to promote the event they hand out flyers in the street. Later, they decide what they are going to do on that match. T.O. believes that he is going to work tonight, but Puppet thinks otherwise. Kato vs ?Beautiful? Bobby is scheduled instead. A lot of technical holds by Bobby countered by Kato's unbelievable showmanship, leads into what can be described as a very entertaining match. T.O. is also entertained by what he sees and is able to point out which holds the wrestlers are going to apply next. This impresses Puppet whom classifies T.O. as up-to-date with the HPB's routines. Unfortunately to us all, Kato does win but does it dastardly, with the handy use of the ropes for leverage as he pins Bobby for the 1-2-3, while having both his legs on the ropes to apply more pressure onto his side press pin hold. The next day, the gang decides to warm up in the streets of the town known as ?The Big Easy?, and by warm-up I mean ?Let's all carry Turtle on our shoulders, for our spine sake?. Bobby goes first but fails to impress. Next was Puppet the boss (whom should set the example) but doesn't make a good impression as he couldn't even go one step further with ? The Turt' ? on his back as both of them fall in (a majestic fashion way I should point out) backwards. Later that afternoon, Puppet tells us that they have scheduled an event at a maximum security prison. But screw that: HORSE CRAP FIGHT! Fun times (too bad that Spyder ran away from that fight like a little gurl...). Inside the van, we see the usual ?rape banter? that you would expect from individuals that are in their way to visit a prison. They arrive in the prison, and they are informed of the rules and practices of he jailhouse, but they couldn't care less. As they begin to know the surroundings of the ?big cage of man relationships?, they ask if there is any midget inmate in the premises. Jerry, the warden confirms the existence of a midget prisoner, but says that that midget inmate will not be allowed to watch the wrestling show due to the gravity of the crime he had perpetrated (grim midget crime is an horrible thing). We go directly to the ?arena? the gang gets everything ready for the big ra... event in the backstage area. Puppet books Kato to wrestle against T.O. but Kato shows his displeasing feelings about this match-up. The T-man reminds Kato of the great matches they had before, and how they should both forget their divergences. Kato believes that an hardcore match against Puppet (match-up which I wouldn't disagree upon) should be done instead. Kato yet again brings up the backstory between both him and T.O., which then leads to Kato bringing up that, if this fight between T.O. Really has to happen, this ?anything goes? match of sorts, can eventually become a ?semi-shoot?. As the bell is rung, we are trown, head first, into (what I would say) the most compelling match in the history of the televised Half Pint Brawlers era of unwilding dominance.The T to the O delievers the goods with many impact moves, showmanship-a-plenty, but Kato brings his rudo ruthlessness (ruthlessness which you would expect from the man the shortest fuse in HPB history). As match reaches it's near conclusion, T.O wins with a Tope Atómico of an areal dynamic such that leaves all impressed. Undoudbly, all the differences between the two warriors were set aside in this match as both are congratulated for their excellent work by Puppet, the boss of all HPB land. As the show concludes, State legislator man Gallot, and Jerry, the warden want to take a picture with the Brawlers but seems to have to be postponed, as the last image we are presented with features Kato taking a hard earned crap. He so deserves it. He earned that bowel movement.

?When Alexander saw the breadth of his domain, he wept for there were no more worlds to conquer?.

By: Joe Gomes

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