Official Hogan Knows Best Parody Porn Review

Posted in In My Head by Jack at 09:28, Sep 17 2011

By Easy E

Just when I thought the wrestling world couldn't get any worse, I get an E-Mail that just blindsides me. As an avid fan of the porn industry, people sometimes E-Mail me about unique and downright strange pornography. Some are just too sick to watch, some are too sick to mention, and some are just downright hilarious. This film actually falls into the latter category. My first impression was that this film was going to be a train wreck, just like Backdoor To Chyna. But after I finished watching the film, I was pleasantly surprised. Now, if your a single male with a chronic masturbation condition, this film is definitely not for you. But if you have a wife, girlfriend, or significant other who understands your a fan of the wrestling business, then this movie hits a home run. Now I cannot claim to be an expert on the actual show 'Hogan Knows Best' but I have seen a few episodes of the show and I can tell you that this porno is probably funnier than any episode of the actual show.

First lets do a brief cast rundown. Playing the role of Brooke Hogan is Kagney Linn Karter, who was a Deja Vu Showgirl of the Year in 2007. She really does fit the part of Brooke Hogan, and they look very similar, except for one big factor. Karter has way bigger boobs, and in my opinion, is just better looking than Brooke Hogan. Kimberly Kane stars as a Russian Prostitute who is called in to satisfy Hulk's needs. She has not only been a staple star in the adult film industry, she has also been a director and starred in many parody films including The Big Lebowski parody and Sex Files parody. While she is a hot star in the adult film industry, her Russian accent is bound to make you burst out laughing. Next is Brooke's slutty friend Lexi, played by Lexi Swallow. She is a hot and sultry blonde who has also starred in several other parody movies, including the Official Halloween parody and Katy Pervy: The XXX Parody. Then we move on to Linda Hogan, played by Julia Ann, who is no stranger to the wrestling world. That's right, Julia Ann began her porn career as a mud wrestler and hot shaving cream wrestler in Hollywood, which just makes me want to call her 'Hollywood Linda Hogan' for the rest of this review. While her body is a spot on match for Linda Hogan, she is a full ten years younger than Linda, which is a complete bonus to anyone watching the film.

The next female star is Devon Lee, who plays the part of Janice, an old female wrestling fan of the Hulkster. People who religiously follow the adult film industry should recognize her name, seeing as she was an AVN nominee for several awards, including Best Cougar of the Year and Best Actress. She too is no stranger to the adult film scene, and still is a staple in the Cougar/Mature genre of porn. While Jennifer McDaniel may be 37, Devon Lee is 36 and is damn close to looking like Jennifer McDaniel. This female cast is very close to looking like the actors they portray, and the male cast is no different. First on the male cast call is Bill Bailey, who stars as Hulk Hogan. He sports the typical Hogan bandana and a fake mustache to make him fit the appearance of the Hulkster. While he isn't a spot on match for Hogan in the looks department, he's more than a match for the Hogan persona, and is way more funny than the real Hulk Hogan in this movie. Next up is Micheal Vegas, who is a spot on match for Nick Hogan, and even acts as stupid as him to boot. The male cast is rounded off by Tommy Pistol, who star's as Nick Hogan's friend Link, a straight edge nerd who play's video games with Nick.

With the cast all set, lets just dive right into the porno. We start off with an everyday scene of the Hogan household, Linda is in the kitchen reading a magazine when Brooke walks in to get a drink from the fridge. Linda is sporting a low cut blue top that shows major cleavage and blue jeans, while Brooke is wearing a white top that shows little cleavage but is almost see through and a very short jean skirt. Hilariously Linda begins to protest about Brooke's top, even though she is showing major cleavage in her own, saying that Brooke's top shows off way too much of her breasts. Brooke fires right back that the shirt she is wearing is the same shirt that Mickey Menage was wearing at a music awards show, and that it will help her career. Linda immediately changes her tone, saying that if the shirt will help her music career then she will support her decision. Then the Hulkster enters the Kitchen and starts playing the role of the over protective father. He says that her boobs are hanging out and flopping all over the place. Despite her music career protests, the Hulkster sends her back up to her room to change her clothes. Once Brooke leaves the kitchen, Linda reminds Hulk that they have a wife swapping date today, which hilariously supports the Ultimate Warrior's accusations that the real couple was into that kind of sex. Meanwhile Brooke storms up to her room and flops down on the bed to find that the guy she was fucking last night is still in it. And so the two go for round two, beginning with an aggressive make out session, followed by the typical foreplay you would expect from an adult film. After a hard finger banging session, Brooke begins to engage her boyfriend in oral sex, and the two begin classic intercourse, all the while Brooke sells the scene with some hot dirty talk. The two hit up a lot of positions during the sex, including doggy, cowgirl, and reverse cowgirl. From the reverse cowgirl Brooke just stands up as her boyfriend moves underneath her tang and begins some vicious oral sex. The two then begin another pounding session, with Brooke dirty talking all the way through. All the while Brooke is sporting a hoop ring on her right cunt lip that jiggles more than Bill Cosby's Jello in a fridge on the move. Brooke's toes begin to curl as her boyfriend pulls out after a good long pound and bricks right in her mouth. Brooke then sucks the rest out, and just as you think Brooke Hogan would do, Kagney Linn Karter swallows the entire load. With an opening scene like this, you would think that this movie is going to be a great solid porn all the way through. Well, you might be pleasantly surprised.

The next scene opens up with Hulk voicing his initial protests about the wife swapping situation, but the other guy's wife Becky was really hot and he was pumped up to fuck her. And so the Hulkster enters his kitchen to make a shake that will prepare him for the wife swap. Of course the shake is comprised of three components, Protein, Steroids, and Viagra. Hulk Hogan shakes the mix up rigorously and pounds the whole thing down. We then cut to a scene of Hulk sitting in a chair in front of the door, watching it like a TV, waiting for Becky to arrive. I myself can see the real Hulk Hogan doing this. After a few minutes of waiting, Hulk realizes that the Viagra is kicking in, and he can no longer wait around for Becky, so he just calls up a hooker. We can all sum that situation up with two words, Vintage Hogan. And so a Russian cigarette smoking hooker enters the Hogan home, and she tells him that they have to hurry, because her pimp is waiting in the car to take her to a software convention to whore herself out to geeks who have lots of money. Hogan insists on privacy being key, since he is such a big superstar, and the hooker reassures him that she doesn't care that he is Hulk Hogan. The two go into the guest room and she begins oral on the Hulkster. Note that Hulk has not taken off his shirt or pants, and just sticks his junk out of his fly. However the Russian Hooker takes it deep inside her mouth and then whips it out, commenting that Hulk's balls look like goat balls. The hooker begins to strip, and Hogan begins to pound her sidesaddle from behind. The Russian hooker has a seriously unmaintained bush, which just excites the Hulkster even more. Before Hulk sticks it in, he comments that he can't find the right hole, trying to be slick and sticking it in her ass on accident. The Hooker corrects him before he can slide it in her ass, and the two begin a rigorous pounding session. The Hooker tells Hulk the three things every man wants to hear from a woman, that his dick is big, the sex is good, and she's close to an orgasm. She then suggests that Hogan take off his pants, and the Hulkster stupidly replies that is is a good idea. She then goes into more oral sex and starts riding hogan cowgirl style. After some serious pounding, she dismounts and begins to give Hogan a hand job, reassuring him that the last five minutes will be the best. She then moves into a reverse cowgirl, and the two aggressively pound each other until the hooker moves into a doggy style position. Hulk grabs her hooker belt that is still somehow around her waist and begins to pulling her in, pounding her pretty damn hard. Hulk then sides straddles her again, and then they move back to oral. The Hulkster then moves her on her back and begins to pound that pussy again, the hooker screaming in pleasure all the while. Hogan then scoots her to the side of the bed and stands up as he pounds her, pulls out and climaxes all over her hairy bush. Then Hulk tells the hooker the same thing every man tells a hooker once he's done, its time for her to get the fuck out. The hooker breaks kayfabe for a bit and laughs as the scene fades out.

We then fade on a scene of the Hulkster talking to his son Nick about his misbehaving antics. Nick feigns ignorance, as we cut to Linda explaining that Nick peed on one of her friends legs, then we cut to Brooke telling us that he mooned one of her girlfriends giving her a good look at his balls, we then move back to Linda saying that he defiled her masturbation material of Justin Bieber with a magic marker, and cut back to Brooke who says she caught him shoving her hairbrush up his ass while climaxing all over her makeup, but the wildest is when they cut to the Russian Hooker telling us that he wanted a round the world for 119 dollars and a wireless Wii controller. We then cut back to Hulk, who in a fit of rage grounds Nick for a week. Nick protests, but the Hulkster takes mercy on his son, and allows him to hang out with his nerdiest friend Link. We then move to a one on one scene with Nick, who complains about his situation, claiming that he can't get laid if he can't go out and party, and its not like hot chicks come over to the house all the time. We then cut to Nick chilling out poolside, when Brooke's slutty friend Lexi comes up looking for Brooke. This is the part where I have to pause the entire review to tell you that if you have never seen Lexi Swallow on the internet, I feel morally obligated to tell you that this girl is fucking hot. I mean really fucking hot. While I would take a red head or a brunette over a blonde any day of the week, the one exception to that rule would be Lexi Swallow. She has a great rack, awesome ass, and just fabulous all around body, and I think it is a shame that she doesn't have her own website, because I would buy a membership to it.

Anyway, moving on with the review, Lexi shows up looking for Brooke and Nick tells her that she is at her vocal coach's. Lexi was randomly planning to hang out with her and go to the mall and find some guys to fuck, and she's distressed over who she will find to fuck now. So Nick gladly volunteers to pound her tang. The two begin to make out next to the pool and Nick begins to finger Lexi. Nick strips off Lexi's blue top and begins sucking on her glorious tits, fingering her all the while. Lexi then begins to start some oral sex on Nick, trying to get it all the way in and nearly succeeding. The oral then gets more aggressive, as Lexi gets a solid face fucking from Nick, and then it tones down as Lexi begins to suck Nick's balls, then moves back to the blowjob, taking it halfway in and working the rest of the shaft with her hand. After a nice tit fuck, Nick decides to go have a taco lunch, jamming his fingers up Lexi's baby maker, working the clit with his tongue. Then Nick decides that he needs to rail this chick, hard. These two start going at it crab walk style, and if you don't know what that is by now, then you have to watch this movie because its a great practical example of the position. Nick is just stuffing Lexi like he was eating at Joe's Crab shack, and while I have never seen a great camera angle in this position, this movie does an excellent job, so well that next time I stuff a chick I feel confident I can try this. After slamming each other for a while, the two begin another aggressive blowjob scene. Lexi then begins to ride Nick in the reverse cowgirl, slamming away like it's going out of style. Lexi then decides she's had enough after a while and hops off, quickly moving into yet another great blowjob. She then hops back on cowgirl style, and the two go at it like two rabbits down on the farm. Nick then lays Lexi down sideways, and slams her as her leg dangles over his shoulder, and you can clearly tell that Lexi has a pretty hot orgasm in this part of the scene. Then Nick asks for her face, and he pulls out and jacks off right into her mouth. And as her last name clearly states, Lexi swallows most of the load, lapping it off her finger. This scene makes the movie for me, and believe me when I say that this scene is probably one of the hottest scenes I have seen in a long, long time. A lot of porn stars just go through the motions to sell you sex, but these two do an excellent job.

Moving on, after the hot scene between Lexi and Nick, we move onto Nick's nerdy friend Link who is sitting in the Hogan kitchen, planning out his game playing strategy. Linda walks in to get a drink from the fridge, and he asks if she can heat up some snacks for the gaming adventure. Linda, who is kind of shocked by Link's presence, asks who he is, and after Link explains he's here to play some video games with Nick she asks if he's a homosexual, because clearly his name is pretty gay. Link chuckles and denies his homosexual status, and tells Linda his name is short for Lincoln. She then asks if he is black, since Lincoln is a black man's name, and Link again chuckles and says no in his best black guy voice. She then comments about his tattoo's, and Link says he got them because his friends said it would make him look cooler. Linda then breaks the terrible news to Link, that his friends lied, and he still looks like a doofus. After commenting about his pale skin, Link admits to Linda he doesn't get out much. Linda confirms that he's not going out today, because he's going to spend the afternoon pleasing that pussy. She then drags Link into the living room onto the expensive leather couch.

After a little nervous strip tease, Linda begins to go to work on Link's cock. I thought that Lexi gave a great blowjob, but Linda really works it and shows the difference between a young gun versus an old pro in the porn biz. Linda works all the tricks, even though Link doesn't have much to work with. She spits all over, working the entire shaft with her mouth and hand, sucking his balls, taking it all in and she's not even afraid of a little teeth in the action. After taking it out of her mouth, Linda then pops off her bra and even spits on her own chest, letting it drip down between her tits and slides Link's dick in between for a great tit fuck. Meanwhile she is dirty talking this nerd, and while its used to sell the scene normally in a porn movie, this just gets downright hilarious. And if that is not funny enough for you, then this will be. Link has a tattoo of Aqua Teen Hunger Force's character Master Shake holding two chainsaws on the side of his back! If you can get through this scene without busting out laughing, then my hat's off to you. After the tit fucking, Linda throws Link onto the couch and asks for Link's help taking off her pants and panties, and after he gets them halfway off, he begins some oral on Linda. Linda then strips off her pants and panties and begins shoving Link's face into her love trap and Link fights for air. Linda then stretches out on the couch and link begins to pound that pussy, all the while Linda is still dirty talking. They then switch to some doggy style, and then Linda goes in for more oral action on Link. Then they side straddle on the couch, and Link is really pounding it home now. Link then switches it up by performing more oral on Linda and then Linda pushes him back into the couch and rides him cowgirl style. After a while Linda can't help herself and begins to stick a finger up her ass, all the while Link is pounding that pussy like an overheating jackhammer. Linda then reverses the cowgirl position and takes her finger out of her ass and begins slamming down on Link's cock. Linda then changes the game up by going sideways cowgirl, bouncing on Link's cock. Linda then pops it out and moves into a short oral hand job deal, and has Link go to work sucking her pussy one more time. The two go back to the doggy style position, and after a short romp, Link pulls out and jerks a shotgun blast right on her face. This scene is hilarious, with the sex taking a backseat to the hilarious dirty talk these two have. The only way it could have been any funnier is if Hulk actually caught them fucking.

We then move on to an interview scene with The Hulkster. He tells us that Brooke has gone college touring with her friends, and Linda has taken Nick to a Justin Bieber concert. Hulk then tells us hes going to take advantage of the free time by catching up with an old wrestling buddy named Janice who wrestled under the nickname NyQuil. We then cut to the two of them sitting on the couch uncomfortably, talking about how their knees are shot from the wrestling biz. Janice then interrupts Hulk and says that this is the most conversation they've had in twenty years, and she thought they were just going to fuck. Hulkster then gets behind her and goes to work, playing with her tits and fingering her puss. After some aggressive foreplay, Hulk begins some oral on Janice, and stretches her puss wide with his fingers. Janice then begins to play with herself while she sucks Hulk off. The two then begin the classic sixty nine position, then Janice begins to reverse cowgirl pound the Hulk. She pulls out and does some quick oral, then cowgirl rides the Hulkster. He then puts her back down on the floor and begins to do the Sumo pound, again another great example of a sexual position not many people know how to do. Then Janice gets back up on the couch, and Hulk pounds her in the classic position. After a good pounding, the Hulkster pulls out and bricks right in her face and mouth. Then to the Hulkster's surprise, Linda and Nick return from the Justin Bieber concert to find the two wrestlers in this awkward finale. And in classic Hogan Knows Best style, the scene ends in high tension, and the Hulk asks Linda why she's home so early. Linda responds that the tour was cancelled because Justin hit puberty, and demands to know who this muscle bound bitch is. We then cut to a private Linda interview where she's demanding divorce papers and half of Hulk's money. Then it cuts to an interview with Hulk who admits the divorce will be expensive, but he can trade in Linda for a younger model. And finally, Nick sits down on the couch with Janice and says that he hasn't taken steroids yet, and Janice gives him this sexy look and the credits begin to roll.

All in all, this is one of the best porn movies I have ever seen. Usually you find the grittiest, dirtiest stuff in porn movies, but this one harkens to the days of the classic eighties porn's that you have seen and laughed at for so many years. You know the ones where the pizza guy shows up and the girl can't pay for it, so she offers to rock his world instead. But instead of the pizza guy you get Hulk Hogan's entire family. Now some people tell me that the sex could have been a lot better, and things like they should have done anal, double penetration, ass to mouth, or maybe even a foot job. But in my opinion that kind of stuff is usually reserved for a fetish market, and has also helped ruin not only relationships, but has also ruined the porn business. In the relationship department, there is nothing stranger than asking a girl that you've been seeing for a couple of months for a foot job because you saw it in a porn and you think its hot. In the porn business department it makes directors and producers think that the movie will gross more if a woman is willing to degrade herself by inserting a cock in her ass and her pussy at the same time during every movie. It makes you wonder what happened to good old fashioned sex that was made hot by dirty talk, sloppy oral sex, and some hard hot fucking action.

But getting back to the movie, I have to give this one a five out of five. This movie is a great parody film, and while some people might be skeptical and say that it's corny or cheesy, but those people have probably never had a meaningful relationship in their lifetime. It's hard to sustain a relationship, especially keeping things exciting in the bedroom. And watching of those 'Instructional' porn videos just makes things very awkward and give you this feeling that your not adequate enough for your partner. Instead this one takes good sex, puts it into a role playing structure, and eases the tension with great parody humor. I admit, there are not a lot of porn video's you can watch with a woman that will make her comfortable, but this one is probably as close as its going to get. So if she understands your a wrestling buff, then this is the perfect film you can use to either spice things up in the bedroom, or keep things going in a humorous way. And even if your not in a relationship, and just looking for a beat movie with some good sex scenes and none of the wild, raunchy, crazy sex you see in a porn that you will probably never have in real life, then this movie is for you too.