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Dear Hammy Issue 3

Posted in In My Head by Jack at 19:40, Jul 21 2006


The following contains adult language and disturbing themes. IYH does not condone any of the information, views or advice given by "hambone". Read at your own risk.

Slartibardfast

Dear Hammy,

After taking your ingenious (albeit felonious) dating advice, I have successfully captured the heart of the hot chick who works in by building. While it has been a glorious week, storm clouds now gather to spoil the fruit of my effort. It seems I am not the only one who finds my sweetie irresistible; it has become quite apparent that ?Brad? from accounting has taken an interest in her as well. He?s always coming up with excuses to go to her office and see her, and I?ve caught him hanging around the water cooler (on the other side of the building) when she takes her daily snack break. I was going to handle this problem the ?old fashioned? way and challenge him to fisticuffs in the parking lot, but I have since learned that ?Brad? knows Tai-Ju-Kung-Jitsu or some such thing, and is sure to rip my head off. I?m confident my sweetie realizes that just because ?Brad? makes more money, drives a better car, owns a larger house, and volunteers his free time helping physically challenged dolphins learn how to swim, that my sitting on the couch all day and watching Tivo makes me the better man, but I don?t want to risk it. How do I keep this guy from getting his manicured hands on my babydoll, and keep them on the accounts payable ledger where they belong?

Anxious in Corporate America

hammy

this pecker sounds like a fancy city boy i reckon you show that little lady what a real man is she might see the light but hell son you aint no fighter so you oughta just eliminate the competition now readin your problems i found me some useful info firstly you can spike that water hell you fancy ass corporate types make me sick with your bottled water its just sucked out of the local mcdonalds urinal and sold to you city folk for high dollar back on topic drop an old hambone recipe taught to me by my pappy old dirty pants ellis just get yourself some <**EDITED BY IYH**> and drop it in his drink that will be sure to knock him out for a few hours now once you got him out of the picture you can help dispose of some of the evidence by makin that little lady some hammy secret ingredient chili for her lunch breaks


Shitstainbill

Do crematoriums give discounts to burn victims?

hammy

ah hell son why the fuck would you pay one of them places to burn up your dead hell you can do it yourself in your bath tub just dont make the same mistake my crazy cousin eric made and wait til you have finished your fun before you light up the corpse that burn on his pecker took ages to heal up properly

Duckman
Dear hammy,

When will prostitutes take back the night and start murdering johns instead of getting strangled and left in alley ways?

darkman duck

hammy

good question thats why my daddy always made sure grammy carried her switchblade when she started getting alzheimers poor old thing would of forgotten her own nose if it wasnt sewn on her face after that spat with grampa earl


Meat Poker

Dear Hammy,
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

hammy

what the fuck its that god damn white make up you ever see a head lookin back at ya with a red nose and green shaggy wig while your carving up some steaks for a 4th of july bbq as a rule we try not to pick up any mimes or clowns them damn mimes dont even scream who the hell wants to see some stupid prick try and be cute and pantemime his own horror as hes being dismembered your just asking for nightmares if you mess with those circus folk sword swallowers are a different matter

Keeping it Real Bob

Should we allow George W. Bush to run for a 3rd term, in fear of the country falling from the pinnacle we are now at?

Keeping it real

hammy

jesus age christ son to hell with half retarded president we got now just look at that dumb prick and you know why the rest of the world makes fun of us he looks like my dumber than a pile of moose turds uncle stevie who picks his nose and plays tic tac toe with the boogers with his parakeet petey hell bring back clinton at least hes man enough to get his pecker sucked on at work that type of behavior demands respect from other nations lets put it in perspective if you were at your local butchers and the dumb prick with the cleaver couldnt pronounce filet mignon and the other butcher always cut his steaks perfect while he was sitting back getting a hummer from the check out clerk who would you rather go to

The Flea

Dear Hammy,

I'm doing an interview this week with a man wrapped a little too tightly.
He's basically a nice guy but he tends to take everything a wee bit too seriously.
Any advice on how to deal with him?

Not a Christian in Buzzards Bay

hammy

jesus christ who gives a flying fuck what that dumb prick has got to say anyway hell if he wont answer you just tell him your gonna saw off his jawbone for an ash tray he might not get an ulcer worrying if the hosts of iyh like him better than some kid who writes for a website when you show him something to really worry about

Krusherkoxx

Dear Hammy,

A couple of the boys and I are thinking about going deer hunting in West Virginia this year (we're only allowed two deer a year here in Ohio), do you know any pristine hunting spots in the West Virginia area. Remember were hunting deer, not humans. Thanks.

hammy

well since krusher is police folk i wont make any brokeback comments about him and his boys huntin eachothers meat up in the woods

well krusher i do know some animal hunters and they reckon wv is the best place for whitetail deer they usually head over to wayne county as long as ya eat whatcha kill i reckon its good by hammy these god damn city folk make me sick they think their steaks grow on trees and their hamburgers are dug out of the ground like taters in idaho

YAM

Dear Hammy,
when will the pain end ?

hammy

ah hell when i sharpen my knife or cut into some vital organs but when your pain ends my fun does too so sit back and shut up boy dont make me cut out that tongue i like to hear what your saying in your muffled shrieks of terror and last gulps of beggin for mercy

Duckman

dear hammy how much beer can i drink?
-duck

hammy

lots i reckon these damn beer companies water down their beer and sell it for more and more yet they outlaw us country folk from makin moonshine in our cellars that will get you drunker than a case of beer with one cup



you got a question about life or love well send it to me at the IYH message board and dont be spammin no lame ass website or youll find your thumbs on toothpicks at the annual iyh charlie sheen movie marathon

hambone

User Comments

Slartibardfast
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09:06, Jul 22 2006

Where would I be without Hammy? Doing 2 to 3 instead of 25 to life.


Well secluded, I see all...

Jack
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18:53, Jul 22 2006

Awesome read my man.

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03:38, Jul 23 2006

That was hell funny... am still laughing... you need a sitcom.. and R rated sitcome..

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